May

As children we played the “gossip game.”   We all sat in a circle and someone whispered a sentence in one person’s ear. That person, in turn, whispered it to another; this continued until the secret whisper went full circle. The final person in the circle then revealed it. Everyone always laughed at the dramatic change from start to finish.  There were lessons that emerged from the game—that words get distorted as each person filters it, and that gossip, at its core, cannot be heralded as truth.

Who cares?  You do—especially when the gossip is about you.  If you’ve been the brunt of the rumor-mill at work, or of other’s opinions that negatively target you, of personal harassment, of undue criticism, of unfairness accentuated through a grapevine, or of email malice, you know that hard-swallowing, deep-in-the-gut, hurt feeling.

Sometimes your mind can play tricks on you.  You can begin to doubt yourself and your truth.  Your response may be that of being offended, insulted, embarrassed, even appalled, or sensing loss or erosion of a reputation, an image, or your personal self-worth.  Yet there may be a secret wondering (like in the gossip game) whether there is a truth hidden therein—one that you may or may not want to face. Or, the words may hold no truth, and yet your mind, for whatever reasons, takes it in as something negative about you or your behavior.  Then, you wallow in the negative.  Churning can continue for days. Or you may be able to rise above it quickly, discern what you need to, and move on, or not.

I attended a conference where I met a young woman (25-ish) who exhibited characteristics of hiding herself.  I could not help but wonder what it might be (within her story) that ran so deeply.  Each day of the conference she wore a  different hat. Each hat had a brim that hung over her long bangs; her face was further hidden with big hair.  When she spoke, she semi-covered her face with her hand. The impression that formed was that she was hiding herself. Was she trying to convey that she wanted to be “out of sight?”  If so, why?  She was smart, young, articulate, good-looking, slim, had a great smile and straight, white teeth.  I wondered if somewhere along her journey, had she taken in an untruth and that her response was to then hide from the world?  (While not a psychologist, I wondered about whether abuse perhaps had been part of her background).  I simply noticed her outward appearance and the behavior she continually exhibited.

How many times have we taken in “criticism that was or wasn’t true and wanted to run away and hide from the world?”  What do you do when you’re the brunt of an untruth?  What do you do when your character has been assassinated?  What do you do when you’re unfairly criticized at work or undermined by those you thought were your friends? What do you believe about the situation and yourself?  How do you respond?

What if we just stopped in those times and asked ourselves what the situation really is?  And then examined whether it is true, or if it is not true, and how we know it is true or not true.  How we view our situations, our life stressors, is important—because our response differs depending on the beliefs we hold about them (not the beliefs that others hold). Therein is the crucial difference. This wisdom gem is huge:  “It is not what happens to us in life, but rather how we respond to it that matters most.”

Recommended reading and study:  Byron Katie, founder of The Work, has one job: to teach people how to end their own suffering. She has a powerful process of inquiry she calls The Work and she helps people find that their stressful beliefs (true or not)—about life, other people, or themselves—can radically shift and their lives can change forever. She asks those important questions about What is True?  What is not True? How do you react when you think it is true, and how do you react when you know it is not true?  She has a process of inquiry to end the internal suffering that goes on inside our minds and that is not reality.  Her process has a turn-around quotient that can move you forward, ending the story that may have you bound. This is helpful information for our lives, and covers the gamut—from the gossip train to that injury which is harbored deeply.