As children we played the “gossip game.”   We all sat in a circle and someone whispered a sentence in one person’s ear. That person, in turn, whispered it to another; this continued until the secret whisper went full circle. The final person in the circle then revealed it. Everyone always laughed at the dramatic change from start to finish.  There were lessons that emerged from the game—that words get distorted as each person filters it, and that gossip, at its core, cannot be heralded as truth.

Who cares?  You do—especially when the gossip is about you.  If you’ve been the brunt of the rumor-mill at work, or of other’s opinions that negatively target you, of personal harassment, of undue criticism, of unfairness accentuated through a grapevine, or of email malice, you know that hard-swallowing, deep-in-the-gut, hurt feeling.

Sometimes your mind can play tricks on you.  You can begin to doubt yourself and your truth.  Your response may be that of being offended, insulted, embarrassed, even appalled, or sensing loss or erosion of a reputation, an image, or your personal self-worth.  Yet there may be a secret wondering (like in the gossip game) whether there is a truth hidden therein—one that you may or may not want to face. Or, the words may hold no truth, and yet your mind, for whatever reasons, takes it in as something negative about you or your behavior.  Then, you wallow in the negative.  Churning can continue for days. Or you may be able to rise above it quickly, discern what you need to, and move on, or not.

About 40 minutes in to our Tai Chi exercise class, and with focused concentration, we perform this pose, Pluck a Star from the Sky. It requires that, while alternating arms and hands, you stretch upward as high as you can, while simultaneously lifting your heels off the ground.  As the star is plucked, your feet return fully to the ground, centered again, and the hand and arm return to one’s side. Next, the alternate arm and hand rise up, heels off the floor again—yes, to pluck another star from the sky, one at a time. This stretch feels wonderful. Re-anchoring with the ground feels wonderful. The pose includes breathing in deeply as the arm and hand rise, and fully exhaling as the arm/hand return to your side.  The stars—all ripe for plucking—are abundant and imaginary, limited only by one’s energy to continue reaching for them.

I can’t help but think about plucking stars from the sky.  Which ones would I choose? There must be special ones containing the breadth of my wish-list.  After all, I can still remember the nursery rhyme about wishing upon a special star.  (We’ve all had that experience!)

Star light, star bright,

First star I’ve seen tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight.

As a mature, consciously-aware adult, this extension pose is never complete until I ask myself, what is the desire I wish for today?  Which of these stars—waiting for me and requiring me to stretch upward to reach—is mine to pluck next? What is it that is mine to dream?  Mine to desire?  What requires me to stretch even more? What am I trying to accomplish?  What new work or what new joy is awaiting my grasp? With what divine energy should I be connecting?  What is it that I am next to do to as a catalyst for growth?  What further stretching action am I beckoned to deliver?

Each time I stretch upward like this, I sense the true act of reaching, of striving, of extending myself. As my heels leave the floor, I’m igniting that catalyst in me to stretch just a bit more, reach up just a bit further. First, I feel the stretch. Next is the realization that there is now more action for me to do as I become reconnected with the world again, heels down, fully grounded, re-anchored, re-motivated.  Plucking a Star from the Sky is more than a physical Tai Chi pose; this has a deeper, metaphorical meaning. Like a parable, it speaks to the student on several levels.

For me, simply performing this pose, while breathing deeply, provides me with my celestial twinkling. I’ve got a lot of star plucking to do yet.  I have much more to reach for as I grow forward.  There is much more work for me to do when I’m grounded and centered. There is more joy within my reach. How about for you?  What’s on your star-plucking list?

Postscript: A few years ago, there was a lot of press about a Star Registry. By sending in a certain amount of money, you could actually claim a star; that is, register your or your loved one’s name. That star was then renamed in this registry for the person desiring a celestial connection.  While I found that most interesting, I’d rather contemplate the Universe as so abundant in its offerings, with stars too numerous to count, fully knowing that our dreams, desires, goals (and yes, a celestial connection) are all there for us already—(free!)—we just have to reach out, stretch, grasp, and then take the actions required of us.  Lights On!

Christmas Eve was the most exciting night of the year for us—-growing up in a small German-American village in Western New York. Even though we were poor, we didn't know it. There would be at least one or two packages wrapped and waiting for each of us to open once we returned home from Christmas Eve candlelight church services.

Our little village was the kind of place where everyone knew each other—there were no secrets. Most of us were actually related to each other in some way. This Christmas, 1957, would prove to be a pivotal point in my life. The snow was already on the ground. The holiday wreaths, lit trees, and decorated cookies added to the anticipation. My siblings and I were excited. That is, we were as excited as we could be. Yet we lived in a household where our Mom was mentally and emotionally unstable, and where anything could happen.

When life hands you a lemon, and you find a way to make lemonade….that’s Resilience!

When you’ve failed miserably, and you have to find a way to face both yourself and the world again, and you do…that’s Resilience.

When you are “in a low” and yet you cope in such a way “to find a way to climb through”…that’s Resilience.

There was a long-term (longitudinal) study conducted a number of years ago, in Hawaii, with a control group of at-risk youngsters.  These were kids who were in circumstances that on the surface would tend to indicate a very low chance of successfully moving into adulthood as responsible, honorable citizens. Many did not fulfill what was deemed as “becoming successful adults”.  But of those that did succeed, the ones who overcame the odds, which were clearly stacked against them, was one important factor.  That one factor was that “somebody cared about them”.  Somebody cared enough to give them guidance; to smile and affirm their self-worth; to encourage them; to provide a model for them, to lift them up, to pull them forward; to exhibit the value of personal responsibility; to show a sense of hopefulness for the future. Think about this.  Think about how just your smile, just an affirmation, just a word of encouragement can assist a person with their internal coping mechanism, with their ability to be resilient.

Salvatore Maddi is coauthor to a great book called Resilience at Work and in Life…How to Succeed No Matter What Life Throws at You. The thrust of this work is that one has to develop hardy attitudes and hardy coping techniques.  There are three suggested coping strategies---which come together to garner resilience:

*  Commitment…as the willingness to stay involved with people and events throughout a time of change or difficulty rather than pull back into isolation.  (Sticktuitiveness).

*  Control….working to influence positively much of what happens to you.

(Proactive vs Reactive).
*  Challenge…that you see your experiences, positive or negative, as grist for the mill, and a chance to learn and grow.  (Adaptability).

Two great books for understanding and developing resilience are Stephen Covey’s

7 Habits for Highly Effective People, and M. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled. Peck’s opening line:  Life is difficult.  (And thus, we have to be able to cope!)

It is glorious!  It connects to my very core. It is inspiration--extraordinaire! Have you seen the full moon in the early morning?

There are times when something prompts me to rise early--especially when I'm in St. Pete, Florida, at 5 am—with my awareness perfectly timed to this lunar wonder. I am awed by the full moon's glimmering reflection across the inter-coastal waterway. It consumes me.  Then, as the moon disappears into the horizon, and the sun's light takes over the skies, the day appears.  The cycle is complete. Time moves on; the day moves forward.

I 'd love to title this article "Full Moon Rising" but that would be flawed. Technically, the moon I describe is setting. At the full moon, the times of Moon-rise and Moon-set have advanced so that the moon sets at about the same time that the sun rises (and vice versa). While it is a pattern which we all know at some deep level, still, it is wondrous to observe in its fullness.

Beyond the observance is the inspiration that comes forth!  What a prescription for starting one's day beaming with joy and enthusiasm. How could one not have a good day? How could this invoke anything but happiness? How could one not feel "one with the universe?"

It was Abraham Lincoln that said, "I think a person is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be."  This full moon, upon my rising, puts life into joyous perspective--I'm happy to be here in this world, in this cycle of time. As the moon sets and the day begins, so does our call to begin again, to be even better than yesterday, to start anew. But there is something more—deep inside I know that the wonder of the moon's setting is yet another marker for a day well-lived.  Lights On!

Every now and then I’m drawn to some phrase that just seems to fit precisely with some challenge that I’m wrestling with----usually in concert with some consulting work I’m doing---as I’m trying to find just the right words to move a group conversation to a higher level.

Larry Winget is known as the Pit-Bull of Personal Development and is the author of several books and blogs, and is a prominent speaker. He is known for “telling it like it is”. Larry Winget’s words seemed to hit the mark this week as I wrestled with how do I get right to the heart of the matter with a group of women (who are assigned to the same work group and who can’t seem to get-along). They are a group of people who feign niceness, while undermining the other; who promise cooperation, collaboration and attention to deadlines in their words, yet whose behavior tells a different story.

In my consulting work in Business Leadership and Effectiveness, I continue to run into the same type of human relations issues that I did in my former life as an H.R manager.  People just seem to get "tangled up.”  Emotions take hold, and rational thinking is blurred.  That's not a good recipe for making progress.

Simply being human--with thoughts, passions, needs, wants, egos, defensiveness, and habitual behaviors complicates the mix.  Most times we're trying to resolve

conflict with only half-truths, or lack objectivity or clarity on what is real--what are the facts?  Then, add the important business factors--the necessity for "change", the need for increased productivity, the need to be more competitive, the need to move forward with gusto, the need to streamline, update, do things decidedly different, and yes, to improve--and the entire mess gets very complex.  Tension mounts as opposing forces increase.  Unfortunately, there is no "one size fits all" recipe for resolution!

I'm writing this month's article from 30,000 feet in the air. I'm on an airplane, sitting next to my hubby, on a four-hour flight from Vancouver to Houston. This will be directly followed by another flight segment...home!

So I have time to think--captive time. My thoughts turn to soon returning to normal life again. (Alaskan vacation, alas, is over!) Life will return to some stress periods of work balanced with leisure; punctuated with that casual give and take of a couple that works together and plays together. We are renewed and ready to get going again...on target and on purpose. This juncture is like having had a "summer break", just a bit early!

Before getting back into the swing of real life, it is (for us) important to do some genuine introspection. The key question we must ask ourselves is this:

What three (3) things are we tolerating? That's right.....what are we tolerating....that if we stopped or changed today....would make things a whole

lot better? Here are some clues:

• Does our work area/environment inspire us, meet our needs?

• Are we tolerating relationships that drain us?

• Are we investing our time and energy where we should?

• Are we working on/involved with/making time for that which matters most?

• Are there things we are doing, or assumptions we're holding that we should let go of, and then move on in a different direction?

• Is there a difficult conversation that's overdue and that has my/our name on it?

• Are we taking care of ourselves, our health?

What better time than now (almost summer) to move forward with renewed

purpose and energy, overcoming those things we've allowed ourselves to tolerate, perhaps for too long.

Join in this introspection! It is probably time that you do this too.

Lights On!

Some things just seem to go together….wine and cheese…shoes and socks…paper and pencil…peanut butter and jam…love and marriage…cream & sugar…ladies and gentlemen.   Each of these pairs represents a dynamical duo.  Each is important in relation to the other, and each stays in some degree of balance with the other.  Each can stand on its own; yet each is important in its pairing.

Stress, believe it or not, is a lot like this.  There is a dynamical balance in play with “eustress”---the good kind of stress, and “distress”---the bad kind of stress.  While they are both “stressors”, together, they make up “a dynamical stress balance scale”.

I was at the Be The Change Event with Suzanne Evans last month in Orlando, Florida. She is a remarkable, sales-focused woman who has coached many women (and men) in successful business careers.  She's considered a marketing expert. One article in her newsletter, which I received post-conference asked this question:  As women, how did we go so wrong? After all, we still earn less than men, the Fortune 500 top earners remain weak in the numbers of women, and the number of women heading up privately-held small businesses is less than 30%.

So why is that?

I found this question hugely provocative, especially having lived through the 60's, and having been part of the fight for fairness for women in the workplace (and life) for decades!

How would you answer her question?

Suzanne's answer (I believe) is right on!  The need for Permission.

She writes, "We continue to wait on permission.  I have coached thousands of women and men and here is what I can tell you---doing business like the boys is not a bad thing. It could actually liberate you!"

She continues, "Spouses, parents, friends, biz partners---I have heard it all.  You need to honor someone else's wishes. (So, you'll take the back seat).  You need permission from someone to invest or take the next step or move ahead. (So, you'll put your dreams on hold). Ladies!  We will always earn less, do less, have less, as long as we wait for permission to do what we need to get what we need. You want to be equal?  Want to be liberated? Start by stopping! Stop waiting for permission!"

I'll add my postscript to this:  I think that we have trouble giving ourselves "permission" to move forward.  We often wait for everything to be lined up first—we’re looking for 100% guarantees.  We hold ourselves back—giving a host of excuses. We just keep that dialog going on and on with ourselves, which hinders forward action. We hesitate....wanting assurances for taking responsibility for a decision. We look to others to affirm us, our thinking, our action.  (And what about our treatment of other women who are trying to move forward assertively?  Are we able to praise the success of other women? Think about that!)

Sometimes I think that we don't even think about our "personal power"; and that we, as women, have an unconscious habit of needing permission to excel, let alone to influence our outcomes.   So I wonder...is it possible that we have such a distinct female biology and neurological need to seek and receive approval, that we'll always have difficulty getting beyond this "permission-thing"?

Here's to permission to turn your Lights On!

It is Spring. We’ve had that first really sunny day—the one that boosts you up and moves you forward—the one that provides the impetus to clean the garage, to thoroughly clean the car (inside and out); and even to clean one’s closets. Yes, it is time to sort through one’s closets again, put away winter, reorganize, and ready one’s wardrobe for Spring.

Have you thought about cleaning out your internal closet cobwebs so that your spirit (both personal and professional) is primed for renewal too? Have you examined your self-esteem? Our psyche benefits when we are lifted up! Possessing a mindset of positivity is a choice. Let’s shake out those mind-closet negatives and move forward into Spring with positive gusto!

Judy Kuriansky, PhD, in her new book on Self-Esteem, notes that you can refocus negative thoughts if you choose. You can have only one thought in your head at a time. It can bring you up, or it can drag you down. You choose. The same holds true with engaging in gratitude journaling. As you write about that for which you are grateful, the negative is not present.

We have the freedom of choice—that is, we choose our response to whatever happens to us in life. So, we can surround ourselves with ego boosters, not ego busters. We can do things that make us feel competent and give us a feeling of accomplishment. We can develop thick skin and deflect the barbs from those “invalidators” who try to bring us down. As Miguel Ruiz writes in his book, The Four Agreements, “Don’t take anything personally.” Those negatives simply reflect (whatever is going on) with those who deliver the barbs. We can get hugs and give hugs, because physical contact generates an internal response (consciously or unconsciously) that builds positive self-awareness, as you perceive someone cares about you, and vice versa!

Here’s a jump start strategy for our spirit’s renewal—being consciously aware of our own positive words and phrases: I can, I will, I am, I love, I create, I do, and Yes, I accept the challenge! Concurrently, let’s remove the negative words and phrases like: I can’t, I won’t, Well, maybe, I don’t know or I don’t care, and No, that’s a problem. After-all, there’s nothing worse when cleaning closets than indecision around what stays, what goes, and what comes in anew. When it comes to our internal workings, we want a whole walk-in closet full of positive, revitalizing energy! Happy Spring!

March Madness!

My husband is an avid basketball fan---especially at March Madness Basketball Tournament time. I tend not to get excited about it until the Final Four is reduced to the Terrific Two; and then those two teams compete and a Champion college basketball team emerges as #1. Sometimes (en route to the Final Four) there are Cinderella teams whose basketball prowess comes as a surprise. They shine when many counted them out. "Who knew?"----of that unique team that had that special spark emerge to move forward together so remarkably?

Generally, I avoid sports team examples. But it is March. It's worth making the connection to the world of work and the Work-team---that's the team of people with whom you share common work goals, interact with, and hopefully, that you stay collectively motivated toward the goals! The way a team plays (together) as a whole determines its success. Well-functioning teams can out-produce the collective of what each individual could do on his/her own. How's your team's performance? Does it have a Cinderella story? Is your work team in an upward spiral? Or not? Much research has been done on why some teams succeed and why others fail. I think you already know the reasons. I've worked with many work teams and groups and Boards; and so often the team loses sight of the goal because of interpersonal difficulties, egos and conflicts (elephants in the room) that are keeping them from being the best they can be. That can be maddening! But it doesn't have to be that way.

The Ides of March!

The "Ides of March are upon you" is one of those phrases that is often lifted up as we turn the calendar page to the month of March. It is a negative phrase and one that is steeped in Roman history and in verse:

On his way to the Theater of Pompey (where he would be assassinated), Caesar saw a seer who had foretold that harm would come to him not later than the Ides of March. (Meaning the middle of the month). Caesar joked, "Well, the Ides of March have come", to which the seer replied "Ay, they have come, but they are not gone." This meeting is famously dramatized in William Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar, when Caesar is warned to "beware of the Ides of March."

Our world is a lot different than Caesar's---thank goodness. Still, we have things of which to be wary. We know when things at work, for example, aren't coherent; when cooperation is lacking; when back-biting and belittling behaviors happen; when conflicts run high. Have your ever felt that your workplace was downright dysfunctional? Or, caught yourself dreading to go to work? Or, listened to your internal complaint conversation-with-yourself as you drove home? Likened to the Ides of March, is modern-day cynicism closing in on you? Maybe that airline commercial jingle,

"Wanna get away?" is enticing to you right now.

The good news is that it doesn't have to be that way! Dysfunctional can become functional. Incoherent can become coherent. Uncooperative can become cooperative. Negative can become positive. Conflicts can be resolved. Teams can become professional, including yours. There’s a choice. Which do you choose?

The expression, “Elephant in the room” is an English idiom for an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed. The expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss.

It is based on the idea that an elephant in a room would be impossible to overlook. So, people in the room who pretend the elephant is not there have made a choice. They are choosing to concern themselves with smaller and/or irrelevant issues rather than deal with the looming BIG one.

Can you relate? Is your business environment one in which people continue to skirt or ignore the real issues? Do issues linger and fester? Is your particular organization or your work-team being trampled by these elephants? Do you believe that (collectively) you are not being the best that you can be? Do you sense how much more effective your organization or work-team could be if the people in it could just have better harmony and civility? To all be moving forward together?

Sometimes the elephants in the room can reach the point that people dread going to work---yet no one knows how to call the Big Elephant Game. Rather than acknowledge their elephants in the room, people clearly enter the blame-game and behave poorly; it goes round and round and round; and it is ugly.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Your organization or work team doesn’t have to continually be trampled in a heavy elephant atmosphere. You can come out from under the elephants! (You don’t have to keep feeding those elephants!)

At Lights On!, we lift up the elephants! Once the elephants are lifted up and “all can see them”, then they can be appropriately addressed. And then, teams and organizations can move forward effectively.

There’s a great website with inspirational messages and videos called Simple Truths that recently exhibited a heart-lifting short video about the mother eagle having to push her fledgling eaglets from the nest situated on the highest pinnacle---it is the hardest thing she has to do, because the eaglets have never flown and there’s only one chance to get it right. It’s a test of courage and a tribute to her inner knowing that in order to be an eagle and fulfill the eagle destiny, her eaglets have to fly and then, and only then, will they soar! She has to trust that there will be sufficient wind beneath their wings! (http://www.simpletruths.com/movie_landings/landings.php?banner=eenp&us=1615&ca=302&au=350&intl=342#)

Sometimes each of us needs a push too. A push to set personal and professional goals. A push to follow-through—to move forward with a leap of faith. A push to do what we know we need to do. A push to get on with it! A push to start again. It is that time of year when New Year’s resolutions come to the forefront. What push do you need this year to follow through so that your New Years resolutions actually do come into fruition?

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”

—Michelangelo—

Each of us has some Michelangelo in us.  We are forever striving to bring that confident, beautiful self into full form.   We spend our lives knowingly or unknowingly trying to “become that which we are intended to be.”

If you happened to be one of the attendees at the recent showing of The GLOW Project movie, (or if you’ve viewed the trailer at www.glowproject.com), you understand.   Each of us has a powerful being inside of us; each of us has a “glow” to radiate.  We each have to find that “glow”—to release that “angel in the marble.”  All the while, we are living our lives, with all the ups and downs.

Being released from our marble constraints involves discovering one’s passion and living according to what matters most.  Psychologists tell us that our “constant striving” focuses on five different, inter-related life strategies, each of which includes an emotional barometer.  Each is actively present every day, in every moment; always tugging. And each beckons one’s next action.

They are:

Competency               Feeling Successful (or not)

Usefulness                  Feeling Needed (or not)

Belonging                   Feeling Valued (or not)

Potency                      Feeling Empowered (or not)

Optimism                    Feeling Hopeful (or not)

When you awoke this morning, how were you feeling in each of these arenas?

Think for a moment about your lowest lows, and your highest highs.  Which of the above strategies was most impacted?  Think about who in your life most helps you or hinders you in these five arenas.   Sometimes, one arena can be hugely impacted (example, being demoted) and your sense of competency, your sense of feeling successful, will take a nose-dive.  Conversely, you may learn that you are being promoted, and provided a bonus—so your sense of competency surges upward!  Or, you might be experiencing the “empty nest syndrome” and you are feeling pangs of not being very needed nor valued.  Or, you may be experiencing great loss and your sense of optimism is tarnished.

What happens when you experience a negative in any of the above arenas?   Immediately you begin to strive to find a positive in that arena and/or to find balance via one or more of the other arenas.  While you might sulk for awhile over being demoted, you’ll ultimately be beckoned forward to look to increase your competence—to find something different wherein you again can feel successful.  (Example…when I retired from the Corporate world I had to reinvent myself; to become competent, useful and potent in another realm. In my case, that was in consulting and coaching).

Whenever you experience the negative in any of these arenas, you are internally beckoned to seek another positive, to achieve balance at the minimum, and to ultimately move towards emotional joy.  But wouldn’t it be great if you could stack your deck with more positives than negatives to begin with? That’s where releasing your angel from the marble by living your passion and capitalizing on your gifts enriches your treasure-trove and provides a leg-up on emotional joy.

The psychological riddle to releasing your “Angel in the Marble” is that the more you understand your gifts and live your passion, the more you’ll find yourself feeling positive in all five of these life-strategy arenas; and the more positive-feeling you become, the more you knowingly and purposely continue to act in ways that increase your positivity in these five life strategy arenas even more; all the while your angel continues to come forth, radiating in “glow”.

Michelangelo saw the glow in his masterpieces and had to carve.  We see the glow in ourselves and have to act!

Over the years, my coaching and consulting has provided me with opportunities to work with many people, and in many organizations—small and large, for-profit and not-for-profit, white collar and blue collar, and with people across generational lines. Each organization is trying to make sense of things, to move forward with progress and success; and often, there are one or two people who are difficult and challenging in their interpersonal relationships, and that wreak havoc on the organization. In past years, Supervisors would take courses specifically addressing “How to Work with Difficult People”. And in most situations, things improved. There has also been the issue of the existence of a few “nasty people in the workplace”---these are people who hurt, betray, or degrade others in the workplace. They feed on a co-worker’s self-esteem, mental anguish and unhappiness; they like the power that provides. Mostly, nasty people will do their victimizing in a sneaky manner, under wraps, enjoying the cloak of secrecy. Still, the numbers of the “nasty-types” were few in the past; and reputations of the nasty-types ultimately tended to “do them dishonor”.

There’s a move that our group does in our Tai Chi exercise class that’s called “Willow bends in Wind”.   This exercise requires that our bodies be configured like willow trees bent by the force of the wind.  Each time we do this posture I’m always glad to become righted again.  It is good to be standing tall and centered, knowing that the force of the imagined wind on my temporary willow-like-body is unable to pluck my roots from the ground.  Though I’m bent by the gale-force wind, I’m deeply rooted; I’m anchored.

In my consulting work with groups and with individuals whom I coach,  I look for the basic “principles” to which they hold firm; the principles on which they live their lives, do their work, and interact/behave with others.  I’ve found that when a person is not rooted in principles, then she is easily “blown away by fickle winds”.  She cannot stand firm. She is like the willow that succumbs to the wind; she has no anchor, no grounding. She is literally, blowing in the wind.

Colorful Images….and Chocolate!

We’ve all had those times of “feeling blue”. There are those times when we say we are “feeling a bit drab.” So it is no surprise that a recent psychological study indicates a significant correlation between biology and mood. The study measured retinal contrast (in the eyes) and noted differences when comparing persons who were clinically depressed with a control group of persons who were not. So while we each see the world with our own eyes, how colorful or colorless a person sees the world has a connection to our physical and emotional wellbeing. [Recognize that I am not a psychologist and I’m not qualified to write about long-term or intermittent clinical depression here. The “points of feeling blue” that I’m writing about are those that most women experience now and then---the blue mood times.] The blue-mood times are when we just seem to need a little boost of optimism.

Have you observed how some event can happen and one person responds negatively, as if everything impacted only that person, as in her own “me—me—me—self world”? Yet another person’s response is entirely different, seeing a much larger view and having a response that flows from a larger, insightful understanding?

Moving to a larger mind is an “awareness process” that involves a way of understanding and responding to whatever is going on. It is a way of relating (of being in relation to) the big picture.

Stephen Covey in his book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” (New York: Simon & Schuster Fireside Book, 1990) shares the first habit as “Be proactive.” “Develop the capacity to choose your response.” Covey equates proactivity and reactivity to the large and small mind. The event happens—someone makes a cutting remark; the response follows immediately—an angry retort. Reactivity—no conscious ability to choose one’s response. On the contrary, Proactivity gives the ability to choose one’s response. Covey describes this as “response-ability”, or the ability to be responsible.

Is this a new philosophy for living?

No. Nearly 2500 years ago in ancient China, Confucius discovered a fundamental distinction for human living. (See I Ching or Book of Changes, Princeton University Press, 1967). Confucius taught that two “person-types” dwell within each of us: the small-minded-person in us, and the large-minded-person in us.

The small-minded person in us is narrow, self-seeking, driven by fear and desire, ever comparing. In small mind, we see the world in dualistic (black and white) terms. (Us vs. Them, Win vs. Lose).

The large-minded person in us has a more expansive way of relating—seeing more of the human face, sensing a larger, abundant context, recognizing the web of people affected, viewing the consequences of actions within a larger frame of time.

Confucius saw both capacities in each of us, both the capacity for small-mindedness and the capacity for large-mindedness. He came to the insight that all of us can achieve the nobility of large-minded living. (Yes!!!)

No matter what is happening to us, (hurricanes, floods, sickness, accidents, loss, grief) we still have an important freedom – the capacity to recognize how we relate to what is occurring in our lives. By cultivating awareness, we realize that we are free to choose how we will understand and respond to life’s events.

For any situation there will be at least two ways of relating to what is occurring—one small-minded and one large-minded. Confucius would invite us to choose the large-minded way—the “wisdom way”.

It is not what happens to us in life, it is how we respond to what is happening that matters most!

Try This!

Try journaling for the next few weeks your responses to life’s events. Example: Are you ready to let go of small-minded conversations (personal and cultural). Are you ready to put your gossiping aside? To stop the catty-ness? To move toward positive thoughts and actions?

Helping people to move from smaller to larger mind is something we all can do… “we can lift up the positive”. We can find the “larger-minded response”.

It is also what deep training in leadership and personal growth is all about. It’s about making conscious response choices with our Lights On!

(Ref:/Adapt: Meridians, Spring 1996 Article, John G. Sullivan, Ph.D; Small Mind, Big Mind)

I recently was a speaker at a Gender Pay Equity Conference. One of the threads weaving through it was that women, in general, lack confidence in negotiating pay as they enter the workforce; and thereafter, women have difficulty in creating upward mobility within their respective work organizations. Ultimately, and overall, these tendencies contribute to the continuing gap in relative compensation.

In a larger framework, it has been my experience (in 30 years of working within a large organization and 10+ years in coaching women in many walks of life) that many women lack basic managerial courage (command skills, conflict management, confronting appropriately, being able to stand alone and strong; being able to take criticism and turn it into a learning opportunity. Negotiation is part of this managerial courage—it is a life-important and life-long skill). Please note that my statement is not meant to paint all women with this same brush. Nor is this exclusive to female gender; I’ve also met men in the workplace who lack managerial courage. Some examples of lacking basic managerial courage include: avoiding crises; being wishy-washy---not able to take a stand; fear of criticism/failure; unable to take the heat—uncomfortable being grilled; defensive—low risk-takers—not liking uncertainty; defensive—in the face of complaints; not being open to criticism, and unwilling to learn from criticism. I’ve found that finding one’s managerial courage, finding one’s self—one’s voice—one’s command center is key!

The calendar page turned over to the month of June, and with that transition came another birthday. For me—it is another special life-date, and the celebration of another year. I’m reminded of Sophie Tucker’s old adage about the secret to long life: Keep Breathing!

I’m a Gemini. Perhaps that’s the reason that I’m so keen to notice the dualities of this life: hot/cold, positive/negative, strong/gentle, courage/cowardice, kind/mean, forward/back, yes/no, sickness/health. I don’t notice these dualities fleetingly, but rather, hold them as the basic construct of the hugely dynamic world around us. Dualities are everywhere; our world is one of “constant choice” (we each choose in every moment of every day)…we each choose where, what, and how we will be.

My view is that there is a wide range of choice within each of these dualities—all the time. It is like a sliding scale. Imagine that you are a stick---a stick containing all the dualities of life and a stick on which you move up and down the scale—all the time--depending on where and how you choose to be in any given moment. And, as life moves on, you tend to find various set points along the way that seem to work for you. You might be very comfortable in an optimist setting (as opposed to pessimist); or you might be shy (as opposed to bold). While the set-points become grooves because of repeated choices, we each still have “free choice” to move anyplace along the scale, at any time. Our choices, of course, reflect our growing knowledge base, beliefs, values, life experiences, maturity and personal /professional development.

My coaching brings me in touch with many women in the workplace who are hugely frustrated with behaviors they bump up against on a daily basis. The teaching of the dualities of life is this: Everyone has their own stick----their own choice of where they will be at any given moment. And while you may influence that other person on where they move on their stick, you cannot control that other’s choice, nor can you make them do differently. So if another person is mean-spirited (vs. kind), or deceptive (vs. straightforward), or continually puts someone down (vs. lifting one up), they are choosing their point on that duality scale at that moment in time. You may try to persuade that person to think or act differently, but in the end, it still is their choice on how they will be. (It is about them, not about you).

And the lesson is: The only thing you can do is to choose your own response. Will you remain a “class act”? Fully professional? Or, drop down in the mud? Will you stand up or whither? Will you be courageous or cowardly or somewhere in between? Will you be kind or snarly? Will you back-bite or be conciliatory? Will you move on or begrudge? Will you help or hinder? Will you be positive or negative? What will your response be on the sliding scale of how you choose to be? It is solely your choice. Life is renewing and the dualities of choice are there for us every day. (And yes, every new birthday gives me another chance to improve my set-points!)

The Serenity Prayer really does fit here: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

But I must add this: Accepting things one cannot change does NOT mean “condoning” those things. It means accepting that some things are not yours to change, and are not your battle to fight; not yours to control, nor should you put any energy into them. But rather, to put your focus, energy and attention elsewhere—on the important things where you can make a difference—with your own stick.

We do our best to make the world better in every moment by choosing our responses wisely—by being shining examples of how we want the world to be. (Be the change you wish to see in the world!...Mahatma Gandhi) Lights On!

Claire Knowles

06/07/10

www.lightsonworkshop.com

The title of this article is actually the title of a book written in 1974 by David Campbell, Ph.D. (Argus Communications).   I was browsing through a wonderful used book sale in Ithaca, NY recently and the book practically jumped off the shelf at me.  As a coach and consultant I recognize that this title is profound.

The author, David Campbell, notes that each of us is on the road to somewhere.  Unless you know what you want from life, you are not likely to stumble across it. But how do you know what you want?  Especially when you are young and are still not quite certain what life is all about, how do you decide?  Or what about when you’re at a crossroads?  What compels you forward?  What repels you backward?  Can you find the stillness to truly listen to your inner guidance?  Your intuitive self?  Can you visualize a path forward?

Without a vision—a target—goals—you are rambling; you're without focus. Think of looking through a pair of binoculars. If the lens is clouded, you can't see where you are going—you are hit and miss.  The clearer the view you have of your target, the better your ability to focus; the better your intuitiveness can emerge, and the more that the synchronicity of the universe can rally to help you reach it.

Example: President Kennedy created a vision and mantra for the US in 1961, after Russia's sputnik rattled our confidence. He stood up and said America will put a man on the moon by the end of this decade and will return him safely to earth. Even the best scientific minds of the day didn't know if that was possible. He created a positive target. He made a declaration. He made a choice. He declared the vision and said yes to it.  And America rallied. We cannot underestimate the power of vision, declaration and choice. And what happened? NASA and America did it. Neil Armstrong--1969. The collective vision was manifest.

You co-create your own future too.  Will your future be determined by circumstances beyond your control?  Will you drift through life, or will you play an important role in determining its force and direction?  This depends on whether your binoculars have their lens caps still on; and it depends on whether the lenses are clear. What doors have you closed?  What doors are still open to you?  The more talents you develop, the more skills you acquire, the more doorways to opportunity can be opened.  Can you see your way?

Are your Lights on? Are your binoculars providing you great focus? Can you see your target? Can you envision the steps to get you there?  Lights On!

6/2/10 CKnowles

Each one of us has a special story. It has been said that our stories are diminished by the symbolic “hyphen” of the grave-marker—the hyphen that denotes the space between a person’s birth date and the date of leaving this world. In our heart-of-hearts we know that our lives stand for something special--something immeasurable and non-conveyable by the lowly hyphen. Each of us possesses a vastly important, non-hyphenated story.

I spent a good part of this past winter in St. Pete Beach, Florida. Every so often, when the sun is positioned just right, and the Gulf water’s ripples are  formed in a certain rhythm, one can see “sparkling water”. It is like seeing a host of sparklers dancing on the water. It is a wondrous phenomenon. Yet, if you look in the opposite direction—where the sun’s angled rays differ—there is no sparkling water. Instead, you’ll see beautiful blue water with rippling waves, but no sparkles. As I reflect on our lives, we have that special sparkle too—knowing for what we stand, knowing for what we have passion, and in what we find joy.  All are important to grasp and manifest into our lives.

Choice has been a resounding word for me lately, and the phrase, by choice (of one’s own volition) seems to resonate too.

In just the few hours I’ve been up and about today, I’ve made numerous choices. That is, to have selected or made a decision when faced with two or more possibilities. Examples: to take a longer-than-usual morning walk, to have strawberries and bananas at breakfast, to deep clean the tile floors with my steam-cleaning machine, to make a very difficult personal phone call, and to end my procrastination—carving out the time to consciously put pen to paper about this word, choice.